On My Mind

A song triggered my mind this morning. It was "You Can Have Me" by Sidewalk prophets.  In the lyrics it says this:

When did love become unmoving?
When did love become unconsuming?


I was immediately taken back to a quote that we put on Jake's adoption announcement.  You see, we prayed for this little guy for a long time.  The desire of a child consumed our lives.  To share our love with someone was everything we hoped for.  Our prayers were answered but in an entirely different way than what we were praying for.  Our little guy did not look like us and he was not ours for quite a while. For a year and a half we had to learn through God's grace that love is not easy.  We learned thru fostering Jake for 18 months before his adoption that it was risky, wonderful, exciting, terrifying and really every other emotion you can think of.  We lived daily with the idea that our love may be lost, that at any moment he could be taken away.  It did not make sense to us and handling our emotions through it all was only from God's love and grace upon our lives.  This is the quote we put on his adoption announcement and my thoughts added to it.


IF HUMAN LOVE DOES NOT CARRY A MAN BEYOND HIMSELF, IT IS NOT LOVE.  IF LOVE IS ALWAYS DISCREET, ALWAYS WISE, ALWAYS SENSIBLE AND CALCULATING, NEVER CARRIED BEYOND ITSELF, IT IS NOT LOVE AT ALL.  IT MAY BE AFFECTION, IT MAY BE WARMTH OF FEELING, BUT IT HAS NOT THE TRUE NATURE OF LOVE IN IT.            ~OSWALD CHAMBERS


If we have learned anything in this adventure, it is that love is not merely a feeling.  It is going against the grain of our own desires only to reap the blessings of submitting to the will of the Most High.  Praise be to God as we celebrate the adoption of our son....Jacob Alexander Wacaster


Writing that was so easy when I was on the other side of the adoption.  Going through the waiting, the court dates, the visits, etc. was the time that God refined my knowledge of what love is.  On top of that he added a three year wait  for the adoption of Jessica.  We also loved and lost children.  It did not make sense to us at the time why we had to go through something so gut wrenching to have a child.  I can look back on that now and say that it does not have to make sense.  God knows the beautiful big picture and he knew the pure joys were going to experience through that fire, now, and even what is to come as He molds these children into the people He is calling them to be.  


As I sit in another hard place in my life of waiting I had to recall this experience.  My pleading and praying for this house to sell seems to be sitting in the throne room of Heaven without an answer.  These 7 months have been so hard trying to keep up a house while Brian works 60 plus hours a week and travels on top of the loss we have to take to sell it.  It is humbling, it is hard, painful and tearful.  I cry out to God as to how he expects me to disciple my children and spend time with them if I am constantly cleaning and His answer is always "through me".  Selling our house, planting a church, fighting for family time with Brian's relentless work and travel schedule, going to a place we don't know, leaving a church and people we absolutely adore....these are refining moments again.  


I am reminded (although this is still breaking me) that He does call for my life....he does ask me to leave everything behind, and it does not need to make sense.  My love for God is so much more.  It consumes my soul and my thanks pour out to Him for what He has done and can do through little ol' me.  His all consuming love, that unconditional love of the Father, sent His son to die for us.  This did not make sense.  Why an innocent man, Jesus, died for you and for me does not make sense.  It is life changing and it is all consuming.  People die for it.  People yearn for it. People have been changed by it.  I have.


Thank you God that love does not have to make sense and that your love is the example we need to live by even though hard sometimes.  May we go back to our prior experiences and see the victory in them to give us hope for the trials we are going through now.  Let your love always move me and consume me to be the light you have called me to be.  Comfort my pains as the way I handle thing is not always perfect but thank you for the hope you have given me.  ~Amen


Anything God call us to is going to have opposition, still has to allow for God's perfect timing, and will always demand we rely on his strength.  Prayers for our family are appreciated as we work through moving, planting, defending family time in Brian's work, and raising our five beautiful blessings.


Father of love, you can have me.      And oh, the joys that are to come!!!!